28 decembrie 2012

ce mă doare cel mai mult e că te-ncăpățânezi prostește să nu-mi lași ochii să-ți fie oglinda în care ai putea să-ți vezi lumina. când oare ai să-nțelegi că n-ai să orbești, ci ai să te vezi dincolo de toate zidurile pe care le-ai clădit în jurul tău, blând, cum doar sufletul meu te știe?

Everything I could never tell you pt. 5 from seaembraces on 8tracks Radio.

Let the light in

you will meet only a few people in your whole life who are truly abandoned houses - rundown, worn out, collapsing at the seams. 

 i'm not asking you to take a hammer and nails and pin up their rafters, fix their leaky faucets or put new panes of glass in their broken windows;

 i am asking you to simply open their door, and spend a little time memorizing their floor plan. get to know them. 

and when the time comes, i want you to draw back their curtains, and, once and for all, 

let the light in.

text credit: writingsforwinter

Te simt.

am fost și voi fi iubire nebună, coaptă la soare, purtată prin lume, dă-mi mâna ta și spune-mi pe nume...

post-heartbreak

with time, you learn to breathe deeper. you learn to walk a little steadier and to let tears stream down your face while watching sunsets and people reunited. you learn to mend your cracks with art and poetry and music, because they will never go away. you learn that your fingers can still trace the outlines of the troubled soul that was once resting between your thighs like the skilled cartographer that you are and that you can still feel the burn of those god dammed eyes on your skin. and it's okay. because you also learn how lucky you are to still be alive. to still hope. to remember. to vividly feel from thousands of miles away.

Bon Iver - 6th of November 2012

          Last week, my heart was moved in so many ways that cannot be put into words. I had the chance to see Bon Iver live and to be, for a couple of hours, completely immersed into the wonderful atmosphere that they create in their concerts. 
          I knew from when I found out that they are going to be playing in Amsterdam during my stay here that this was something I wanted to live alone. No friends, no acquaintances, I didn't want anyone coming with me. I didn't feel awkward, although I was surrounded by couples or people who came with friends. Everything felt just the way it should and I was anxious about it, in the way you are anxious about a first date with a beautiful-eyed boy: knee-weakened, my heart thumping and millions of goosebumps exploding under my skin.
          It always amazes me how music can wake up feelings deeply hidden inside your chest, how it can make you cry without even trying and how it can make you feel liberated and overwhelmed at the same time.  
          The love I have for Bon Iver, for their music, for the amazing person that Justin Vernon is, simply cannot be put into words. I don't know how, and I don't even want to explain how much this concert means to me, but I can say for sure that it was one of the most emotional and moving experiences in my life for which I am forever grateful.

patiently waiting for the concert to start

the band making the last preparations

Justin entering the stage (it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest)

during Minnesota, WI

during Wash

during Woods

during Beth/Rest

          My favorite song from them which I really really wanted to record was The Wolves (part 1 and 2) but my memory card ran out of space because I recorded a lot so I only caught the first moments of it...somehow I think it was for the best that this happened because I lived it properly: eyes shut, mind clear, tears running down my cheeks. It was the perfect ending of a perfect evening.

full version, here:

saying goodbye

Documenting October part 4

22.10.2012
the afternoon light brings ghosts to my room.

23.10.2012

this day I had my first exam. a mean headache followed after.

24.10.2012

the living dead

as time will go by, foreign kisses will wash away the traces of your fingers on my skin and my mouth will curve up in smiles that will not be yours. my shoulder will sloppily fit the curve of another troubled head as my side of the bed will slowly be emptied of myself for i'll no longer belong.
i hope she wipes away your tears when you look into her eyes but see mine instead and i hope she keeps your body warm at night when your soul wonders away into the darkness you love so, as you go looking for the remains of feelings you can no longer grasp, for you've killed and buried them deep down under the place where we first kissed.

25.10.2012

having breakfast at 3am after sleeping only 2 hours and then having breakfast again, at 9am after being up and reading the entire night. studying for exams has never been more fun!

the afternoon, however, was more relaxing and the hot tea, my blanket, stroopwaffels and good company made up for the lack of social life of the past two weeks.

26.10.2012

i have a weakness for sunsets and the way they bring up the most moving of emotions to my heart.

27.10.2012

i went with my flatmate and some other friends from our building to the carrousels in the city center and it was such a lovely way to spend the evening. we laughed, we screamed, we saw a very lovely Amsterdam from a carrousel that spun us like crazy, we had delicious waffles and....

...we saw a really cool and quite scary Halloween parade! it was such a lovely night and i am thankful to have had the best people around. :)

28.10.2012

highlights of a lovely Sunday spent at a nice clothes market, eating homemade stroopwaffles, drinking hot cocoa and browsing through nice handmade items along with my friends.

the quotes from the book in the down-right photo write: "if she loves you when you've got nothing, you've got everything" and "in darkness we share our secrets" :)

29.10.2012

having classes till the late afternoon pays off with some nice views of the city :)

30.10.2012

roads that run through me

31.10.2012

the last day of October was so sunny and beautiful. golden leaves were flying and dancing all over, people were smiling and riding my bike in this nice atmosphere made me feel at ease, somehow.

and in the evening i became a cat. :)

this was the last day of my October. :)

last year's counterpart

Documenting October part 3

15.10.2012
details of my room in the pretty sunlight

16.10.2012
i've got light running through my veins

17.10.2012
i don't know what i can save you from

you keep running through my veins, you never tire. i keep on chasing you, knee-scraped, heart-bruised, barely catching my breath. at times you stop and rest your head on my soul and that’s when i know you miss me and my skin becomes all goosebumps and the knot in my throat dissolves into tears and i melt into the thought of holding you. 

‘all i ever wanted was to hold you…all i ever asked for was for you to let me…’

but you keep running and running ever more scared and i ache for you deep down to the marrow of my bones and to the tiniest vessels of my heart and i’m afraid that one day i will collapse and all the love i hold will flood my veins and drown you.

18.10.2012

there's days like these when all i want is to do is wrap myself in all the blankets i own and  just stay in bed and forget about everything else...

19.10.2012

slowly healing zebra bruised legs...(p.s.: bike accidents are not nice)

20.10.2012

this is totally random, but i sort of like it although it was taken very quickly in between studying for finals.

21.10.2012

what my day looked like and still looks like. add to this bon iver's coachella concert played over and over and over again and an unexpected study high which keeps me very motivated still. so i am only taking a break to post this now, but i will go back to studying for my exams in a minute.

last year's counterpart

Documenting October part 2

8.10.2012

exercising my cooking skills: roasted honey carrots with couscous and onions. yum yum!

9.10.2012

the city adventures...

...and the cake baking adventures...

and the yummy outcomes (my dark chocolate and raspberry birthday cakes) which made me very proud!

10.10.2012

the day I turned 21, I got to have beside me the warmest people whom I've come to call my container family (the building we live in is a former container so that's where the name comes from :P). I got to smile even though I was far away from home. I got to realize that although I'm getting older, I am also getting wiser, while my heart and soul still remain wild and restless and hungry for the purest feelings. I got to acknowledge that time has a way of deepening everything: pain, love, memories....to me they all become more intense as time goes by and they remind me of how lucky I am to have felt at all. I got to learn that the heart always senses what is meant to be, and that in the end, that will find a way to be...

...and I also got to see Lucy Rose live! And it was the best way to put an end to a very very nice birthday. She is the most genuine and lovely singer I've ever seen live and being at her gig, listening to her music with my eyes closed, made me feel so peaceful and...happy.

11.10.2012

sunny and slightly warmer days are a very rare thing in Amsterdam, so when one comes about, as a rule, you must go outdoors to enjoy it before it starts raining again (thing which might happen from one minute to another, anyway). so I went out with my flatmate to Westerpark and enjoyed a really nice sunset in a very serene place.

12.10.2012

there must be something about October 12th because last year it brought about the blues as well.

13.10.2012

why I should be where you are

because I am not scared of anything anymore. because I know your monsters and I want them to know me too. sadness should not haunt you alone. so understand that you don't have to search anymore. reach inside of your darkness and pull me out. my soul is yours to keep.

14.10.2012

maybe I should start calling Sunday flea market day. I was in the biggest flea market that takes place in the Netherlands. I have honestly never seen so many things in one place and for such little prices! however, I really hope that I will not come down with a cold after this because the weather was so bad and I literally froze. so now, I am praying that the tons of tea, the hot showers and the warm socks will keep me safe.

last year's counterpart

Documenting October part 1

I started this whole documenting October thing last year and now, looking back at it, I thought I could make it an annual project. We'll see how that turns out. :)

1.10.2012

why I am not where you are

because words have never been enough and never will be. because i need your eyes mirrored into the sadness of mine to let my heart speak in silence. then you’d understand everything, like you did on the first day when our ribs interlaced through clothes and flesh and snowflakes. but you built these walls so high, and I am miles away from your smile and I can’t steady my heart to beat into proper Morse code. so if you ever feel an earthquake, please know that it means ‘i love you’ and the aftermaths mean ‘i miss you’.

thoughts of a lonely mind, in the middle of the night. people should not be allowed to miss one another so much.

2.10.2012

I walked around the city after school and found this really amazing English second hand bookshop in which I wondered for some time, being amazed at the selection of titles they had. I promised myself I will go back there one day and buy something.

From there, I walked to Central Station to take the bus home, as the sky looked more gloomy, and the rain started.

I spent the afternoon bundled up in my blanket, drinking tea and eating raspberry jam toast, reading for school and missing my friends back home to the moon and back.

3.10.2012

The four stages of a very yummy vanilla black tea with milk...

...and the laziness of drinking it in bed on a very rainy morning.

4.10.2012

Words that keep me sane on days when all I want to do is disappear.

5.10.2012

This was a really cold, windy and rainy day, but I had to be in school to meet a girl who is conducting a psychological experiment in which I volunteered to take part. It was really interesting, and facing the rough weather for it proved to be worth it.

Later on, I went to Ikea, which turned out to be one of the saddest things I've ever done, since whenever I went there when I was back home I was with my roommates. All of a sudden, I missed everyone and everything.

6.10.2012

Sunny days are really rare lately, but they bring the most beautiful light in my room when they come about, making it really hard to stop taking photos and to focus on studying.

7.10.2012

Every first Sunday of each month, there is a market in Westerpark, very close to where I live. Last month I missed it, but today I went there and it was a really nice way to spend my Sunday afternoon. The atmosphere was amazing, there was music, delicious food and a lot of very nice things for sale. In all the craze, though, love found its way. :)

last year's counterpart