everything i can never tell you (iv)

dearest,

i lay on your side of the bed this afternoon in the warm sunset light and it felt safe. it felt like i was resting my head on your chest like i once used to when we curled up together. i closed my eyes and whispered warmly into the pillow the words i wish i could have tattooed on your heart.

imissyou

yours, always,

C.

everyhting i can never tell you (III)

dearest,

isn't it a pity that we live in this world, yet we don't know how to live at all? all these thoughts and worries burden and trouble us even at night, turning our dreams into nightmares, turning us into outcasts in a body that can do nothing but hold all of the monsters we grow inside of us.

i know how much you're fond of darkness, how it comforts and makes you believe you're safe there, but please, from time to time, open your eyes and see that you are more than what your monsters make you believe you are. though cracked and chipped and broken at your seams, you are still you, the one who swallowed me whole with a single blue gaze. the one whose rules i broke and never felt the least bit sorry for it. the one whose mouth i knew my name would sound safe in. for all of these and for many more, i whisper "i love you" into the wind every evening at sunset, hoping that one day my words will reach you like the echoes of a conch shell and then you will learn to love yourself, even if it's only the littlest bit of how much i do.

so listen. it's all around you. all you have to do is open yourself up. all you have to do, is listen.

yours, always,

C.

Îmbrățișarea

„Când ne-am zărit, aerul dintre noi
şi-a aruncat dintr-o dată
imaginea copacilor, indiferenţi şi goi,
pe care-o lasă să-l străbată.

Oh, ne-am zvârlit, strigându-ne pe nume,
unul spre celălalt, şi-atât de iute,
că timpul se turti-ntre piepturile noastre,
şi ora, lovită, se sparse-n minute.

Aş fi vrut să te păstrez în braţe
aşa cum ţin trupul copilăriei, în trecut,
cu morţile-i nerepetate.
Şi să te-mbrăţişez cu coastele-aş fi vrut.”

de Nichita

Wondering through Cluj with the girls

The Cluj adventures wouldn't be complete without some portraits, right? So here they are, roughly selected, cause if it was up to me, I'd put them all up cause they all are very dear to me.

Please check also Stefania's post here and Ralu's post here.

Ralu the pigeon-chaser, in the Museum Square

Ralu, hunting stickers to steal from the walls :P

Ștefania on Cetățuia, admiring the view

Ralu, fooling around while Ștefania was trying to photograph Eliza

beautiful Ștefania in the UBB courtyard

pretty Ralu being pretty in Zorki

me, drinking coffee like a little child, photographed by Ștefania

Eliza and her yummy coffee

from left to right: Eliza, Ștefania, Elfride, me and Ralu, a.k.a. The Photographers Club :P

beautiful Ștefania in Central Park

Elfride's lucky charm :)

Ștefania in the Hajongard Cemetery

delicate Elfride in the Hajongard Cemetery

beautiful Eliza in the Hajongard cemetery

Elfride in Camino

and the whole gang in Camino, on my last night in Cluj

There isn't a time when I look at all the photos I took that weekend and I don't smile. After long walks through Cluj, spending time in pretty cafés, eating delicious pasta cooked by Ștefania and Ralu, laughing and talking about all possible sorts of things, I am left with some lovely memories and the acknowledgement of how lucky I am to have these girls as my friends. I can't wait to see them all again. :)

Cluj-Napoca in bits and pieces - Winter edition

Two weeks ago I visited my dear friends in Cluj again. As the last time I was there, I had the greatest time in the city with the girls, wondering around the streets with our cameras, spending time in pretty cafés and teahouses and enjoying ourselves to the fullest.

Cluj on my first morning there, after I've been on the train for 10 hours. (long live CFR)

after walking through the city with Ralu, we met with Ștefania and had some delicious tea at Samsara.

 

the backyard of Samsara

after we finished our teas, we walked to Cetățuia, to admire the city from above in the evening...

...and later on we went to Unirii Square and watched how 570 paper lanterns floated away into the sky as a commemoration of Matei Corvin, an important figure for the city.

 on the second day, we went to Zorki Photo Café, where we enjoyed some good coffee in brandy glasses, ate chocolate muffins, laughed and talked about all sorts of things. :)

afterwards, Ralu left for home, but me and the rest of the girls headed for the park and enjoyed a beautiful sunset there.

...afterwards, we went to Qui One Quint, a very bohemian teahouse...

...where we had some great tea, with biscuits and sour cherry jam. :)

on the third day, we headed out to the Hajongard cemetery, one of the most beautiful places in Cluj...as creepy as it may sound.

after finishing the photo session in the cemetery, we went back to the city center...

...and then to a beautiful district with old houses, one more beautiful than the other.

in the evening, after Ștefania cooked us some delicious pasta, we went out to Camino, and since there was no better way to end our wonderful time together, we drank tea, again. :) we spent a lovely time laughing and playing games, before i headed out for the train station to go back home.

there are more photos to come, so stay tuned!

everything i can never tell you (II)

dearest,

i took the long way home today, on the streets that used to smile at the sight of us holding hands. sunsets looked more beautiful to me then, but today, there was something that brought back the same comforting feelings which i thought were lost along with the dust of us. there's moments like these when i realize how much you're with me, even if you're not with me.

i understand now that distance is only a physical barrier that sometimes bodies cannot transcend, but the mind always does. my heart flutters at the thought that somewhere, miles away, you are under the same sky, watching the same sunset, and i smile, trying to remember how to breathe under the weight of all the feelings that burn under my skin. we are so much interconnected, no matter what we do. how else could i explain that my thoughts whisper warmly on the peaks of your shoulders and gently kiss the back of your neck each night, mmm?

yours, always,

C.

"If you were here beside me, instead of in New York,

If the curve of you was curved on me,

I'd tell you that I loved you, before I even knew you,

'Cause I loved the simple thought of you.

If our hearts are never broken and there's no joy in the mending

There's so much this hurt can teach us both,

And there's distance and there's silence, your words have never left me,

They're the prayer that I say every day. "

everything I can never tell you (I)

dearest,

i am listening to this while my roommate is taking a shower and the noises from the water running sound like rain. everything else is quiet around and i’m letting myself float away in one of those rare moments of clarity and inner peace, when you can almost feel time passing you by, softly caressing you as a reminder of its, at times, light and unburdening presence. it is in these moments that i am filled with so many contrasting emotions that this troubled body of mine cannot handle, so i let them overflow in warm tears washing the dust of the day off my cheeks, gently down to my collar bones.

i’ve always been one to notice, to seek beyond, to understand…and i guess that it’s in my nature to find beauty in sadness, loneliness, nostalgia, pain…for it is them that throw us into the chaos of ourselves and outline who we are, them who scribble ivory reminders on our skins and souls, them who, in the end teach us what it means to be alive, isn’t it so?…this life is so heartbreakingly tragic and precisely this is what makes it beautiful.

yours, always,

C.

we broke everything that was right

mi-aș fi dorit să știu să plec. de tot. fără să mă uit înapoi, fără să încetinesc, în speranța că am să fiu prinsă de mână și trasă înapoi, fără să mi se împleticească pașii în nodurile din gât sau să mă opresc de teamă să nu cad în golurile din stomac. să plec, pur și simplu, așa cum au făcut-o toți cei pe care mi i-am legat de suflet, dar care au reușit să-mi rupă lanțurile. nu pentru că n-ar fi avut rădăcini destul de adânci. ci pentru că poate le-au avut prea adânci...

mi-aș fi dorit să știu să fiu de ajuns. să-ți fiu de ajuns. să mă fi lăsat să-ți iubesc monștrii la fel de mult cum te iubesc pe tine. să-ți fi sărutat cicatricile ce ți le-au lăsat și să-ți fi arătat cum se potrivesc de minune cu ale mele, cum împreună nu mai sunt doar niște urme durereoase ci contururile fragile ale unei îmbrățisări de suflete. să-ți fi fost deopotrivă drum și destinație. să-ți fi fost crăpătura prin care ți-ai fi putut vedea lumina...

mi-aș fi dorit, mi-aș fi dorit, mi-aș fi dorit...mi-aș fi dorit să fac tot ce s-ar putea face pe lumea asta, cu tine.

Trapped

i feel like a stranger, trapped in my own body. there are too many things grinding up my insides, wearing my mind and my sanity down and not letting me sleep at night. i would give anything to just be able to let go and escape, even for one day, and float away like dandelion fluff in the wind.

Inhale

 here's to a new beginning, to taking new chances, to making new mistakes which might lead to the right places and the right people, to regretting nothing and loving fully, to the point of madness.