post-heartbreak

with time, you learn to breathe deeper. you learn to walk a little steadier and to let tears stream down your face while watching sunsets and people reunited. you learn to mend your cracks with art and poetry and music, because they will never go away. you learn that your fingers can still trace the outlines of the troubled soul that was once resting between your thighs like the skilled cartographer that you are and that you can still feel the burn of those god dammed eyes on your skin. and it's okay. because you also learn how lucky you are to still be alive. to still hope. to remember. to vividly feel from thousands of miles away.

Bon Iver - 6th of November 2012

          Last week, my heart was moved in so many ways that cannot be put into words. I had the chance to see Bon Iver live and to be, for a couple of hours, completely immersed into the wonderful atmosphere that they create in their concerts. 
          I knew from when I found out that they are going to be playing in Amsterdam during my stay here that this was something I wanted to live alone. No friends, no acquaintances, I didn't want anyone coming with me. I didn't feel awkward, although I was surrounded by couples or people who came with friends. Everything felt just the way it should and I was anxious about it, in the way you are anxious about a first date with a beautiful-eyed boy: knee-weakened, my heart thumping and millions of goosebumps exploding under my skin.
          It always amazes me how music can wake up feelings deeply hidden inside your chest, how it can make you cry without even trying and how it can make you feel liberated and overwhelmed at the same time.  
          The love I have for Bon Iver, for their music, for the amazing person that Justin Vernon is, simply cannot be put into words. I don't know how, and I don't even want to explain how much this concert means to me, but I can say for sure that it was one of the most emotional and moving experiences in my life for which I am forever grateful.

patiently waiting for the concert to start

the band making the last preparations

Justin entering the stage (it felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest)

during Minnesota, WI

during Wash

during Woods

during Beth/Rest

          My favorite song from them which I really really wanted to record was The Wolves (part 1 and 2) but my memory card ran out of space because I recorded a lot so I only caught the first moments of it...somehow I think it was for the best that this happened because I lived it properly: eyes shut, mind clear, tears running down my cheeks. It was the perfect ending of a perfect evening.

full version, here:

saying goodbye

Documenting October part 4

22.10.2012
the afternoon light brings ghosts to my room.

23.10.2012

this day I had my first exam. a mean headache followed after.

24.10.2012

the living dead

as time will go by, foreign kisses will wash away the traces of your fingers on my skin and my mouth will curve up in smiles that will not be yours. my shoulder will sloppily fit the curve of another troubled head as my side of the bed will slowly be emptied of myself for i'll no longer belong.
i hope she wipes away your tears when you look into her eyes but see mine instead and i hope she keeps your body warm at night when your soul wonders away into the darkness you love so, as you go looking for the remains of feelings you can no longer grasp, for you've killed and buried them deep down under the place where we first kissed.

25.10.2012

having breakfast at 3am after sleeping only 2 hours and then having breakfast again, at 9am after being up and reading the entire night. studying for exams has never been more fun!

the afternoon, however, was more relaxing and the hot tea, my blanket, stroopwaffels and good company made up for the lack of social life of the past two weeks.

26.10.2012

i have a weakness for sunsets and the way they bring up the most moving of emotions to my heart.

27.10.2012

i went with my flatmate and some other friends from our building to the carrousels in the city center and it was such a lovely way to spend the evening. we laughed, we screamed, we saw a very lovely Amsterdam from a carrousel that spun us like crazy, we had delicious waffles and....

...we saw a really cool and quite scary Halloween parade! it was such a lovely night and i am thankful to have had the best people around. :)

28.10.2012

highlights of a lovely Sunday spent at a nice clothes market, eating homemade stroopwaffles, drinking hot cocoa and browsing through nice handmade items along with my friends.

the quotes from the book in the down-right photo write: "if she loves you when you've got nothing, you've got everything" and "in darkness we share our secrets" :)

29.10.2012

having classes till the late afternoon pays off with some nice views of the city :)

30.10.2012

roads that run through me

31.10.2012

the last day of October was so sunny and beautiful. golden leaves were flying and dancing all over, people were smiling and riding my bike in this nice atmosphere made me feel at ease, somehow.

and in the evening i became a cat. :)

this was the last day of my October. :)

last year's counterpart