i lay on your side of the bed this afternoon in the warm sunset light and it felt safe. it felt like i was resting my head on your chest like i once used to when we curled up together. i closed my eyes and whispered warmly into the pillow the words i wish i could have tattooed on your heart.
isn't it a pity that we live in this world, yet we don't know how to live at all? all these thoughts and worries burden and trouble us even at night, turning our dreams into nightmares, turning us into outcasts in a body that can do nothing but hold all of the monsters we grow inside of us.
i know how much you're fond of darkness, how it comforts and makes you believe you're safe there, but please, from time to time, open your eyes and see that you are more than what your monsters make you believe you are. though cracked and chipped and broken at your seams, you are still you, the one who swallowed me whole with a single blue gaze. the one whose rules i broke and never felt the least bit sorry for it. the one whose mouth i knew my name would sound safe in. for all of these and for many more, i whisper "i love you" into the wind every evening at sunset, hoping that one day my words will reach you like the echoes of a conch shell and then you will learn to love yourself, even if it's only the littlest bit of how much i do.
so listen. it's all around you. all you have to do is open yourself up. all you have to do, is listen.
i took the long way home today, on the streets that used to smile at the sight of us holding hands. sunsets looked more beautiful to me then, but today, there was something that brought back the same comforting feelings which i thought were lost along with the dust of us. there's moments like these when i realize how much you're with me, even if you're not with me.
i understand now that distance is only a physical barrier that sometimes bodies cannot transcend, but the mind always does. my heart flutters at the thought that somewhere, miles away, you are under the same sky, watching the same sunset, and i smile, trying to remember how to breathe under the weight of all the feelings that burn under my skin. we are so much interconnected, no matter what we do. how else could i explain that my thoughts whisper warmly on the peaks of your shoulders and gently kiss the back of your neck each night, mmm?
yours, always,
C.
"If you were here beside me, instead of in New York,
If the curve of you was curved on me,
I'd tell you that I loved you, before I even knew you,
'Cause I loved the simple thought of you.
If our hearts are never broken and there's no joy in the mending
There's so much this hurt can teach us both,
And there's distance and there's silence, your words have never left me,
i am listening to this while my roommate is taking a shower and the noises from the water running sound like rain. everything else is quiet around and i’m letting myself float away in one of those rare moments of clarity and inner peace, when you can almost feel time passing you by, softly caressing you as a reminder of its, at times, light and unburdening presence. it is in these moments that i am filled with so many contrasting emotions that this troubled body of mine cannot handle, so i let them overflow in warm tears washing the dust of the day off my cheeks, gently down to my collar bones.
i’ve always been one to notice, to seek beyond, to understand…and i guess that it’s in my nature to find beauty in sadness, loneliness, nostalgia, pain…for it is them that throw us into the chaos of ourselves and outline who we are, them who scribble ivory reminders on our skins and souls, them who, in the end teach us what it means to be alive, isn’t it so?…this life is so heartbreakingly tragic and precisely this is what makes it beautiful.
